Syngergistic Solution

To say that there is a dichotomy for compromise is simply a misnomer, because you simply cannot classify a compromise as a good compromise or a bad one, it lies on a continuum instead. There are various degrees of compromise in life, and not all are bad, neither are all of them sound. However, the best way is to enter a stage of Win/Win, a synergistic solution as proposed by Stephen R. Covey, a third alternative, the apex of a triangle, the Middle Way as stated in Buddhism.

Given the following scenario, provided by Stephen R. Covey, I am going to analyse it and present it to you guys on how I perceive the way this couple solved their problem through a synergistic solution and not a compromise.

It’s a vacation time, and a husband wants to take his family out to the lake country to enjoy camping and fishing. This is important to him; he’s been planning it all year. He’s made reservations at a cottage on a lake and arranged to rent a boat, and his sons are really excited about going.

His wife, however, wants to use the vacation time to visit her ailing mother some 250 miles away. She doesn’t have the opportunity to see her very often, and this is important to her.

Their differences could be the cause of a major negative experience.

“The plans are set. The boys are excited. We should go on the fishing trip,” he says.

“But we don’t know how much longer my mother will be around, and I want to be by her,” she replies. “This is our only opportunity to have enough time to do that.”
“All year long we’ve looked forward to this one week vacation. The boys would be miserable sitting around grandmother’s house for a week. They’d drive everybody crazy. Besides, your mother’s not that sick. And she has your sister less than a mile away to take care of her.”
“She’s my mother, too. I want to be with her.”

“You could phone her every night. And we’re planning to spend time with her at the Christmas family reunion. Remember?”

That’s not for five more months. We don’t even know if she’ll still be here by then. Besides, she needs me, and she wants me.”

“She’s being well taken care of. Besides, the boys and I need you, too.”

“My Mother is more important than fishing.”

“Your husband and sons are more important than your mother.”

As seen, they quarrel forth and back and nothing good comes out of it.

One such compromise is that they may decide to split up.
The boys goes fishing but this way they compromised 25% of their concerns, because the boys will then sense the tension and thus it dampens their mood. As a result, they lose all enthusiasm for fishing and they might even end up feeling grumpy and frustrated.

The mother who leaves for her will compromise 25% of her concerns as well because she ignored the needs of the boys and her husband's efforts. She know deep inside her heart that her kids want her to be there with them, to join in the fun, but she just can't leave her mum alone. Deep within, she is feeling ambivalent about the whole idea.

In another scenario, the husband might give in to his wife and heads to her mother's house. However, this results in a larger extent of compromise, as much as 50% while his wife gets her way and did not compromise a single bit. But even so, he does it grudgingly, and he will try his best to fulfil the prophecy made. He will probably be griping throughout his stay at his wife's mother's house and this might irritate his wife and in turn there is even a possiblity that they might fall out.

Or, the wife gives in. Compromising by 50%, she becomes over-reactive to any changes to her mum's conditions. She's chronically paranoid and this might affect the overall fishing experience. Half the time, she's not even focussing on the conversations she's having with her husband or her kids. This might tense up the atmosphere and everyone will sink into boredom once again.

Now let's identify each of their concerns. This is just my personal interpretation, you might think otherwise.

Wife's concern: See her mother as soon as possible and 5 months later is beyond her threshold of wait, she don't really have the ample time to visit her mother other than during this vacation as she might have other commitments at home.

Husband's concerns: Going fishing, making sure that the boys enjoy themselves.

Synergistic Solution

1. Father arrange another time within the month and taking over some of the home responsiblities over the weekend.

By arranging it within the month, it eliminates his wife's urgent need to see her mother, 5 months might be too long but within a month is definitely reasonable. Furthermore, he will take over some home responsiblities to make out some time for her to go. This in turn creates a "mock short vacation" for her to get away.

2. Locate another place near wife's mother's house and fish.

They are still going to fish and this fulfil the husband's long awaited need to fish. In addition, it is still outdoor and they could even plan some last-minute recreational activities with the cousins and uncles. This will provide some unexpected surprises, filled with lots of fun, for the boys.

This is a great example of how you can work together to provide a synergistic solution. Compromise is fine once in a while. But most of the people have the propensity to compromise consistently. In the long run, it could be an avenue for complains and quarrels. For instance, your partner might bring up the past and say that she has been compromising all these while so why can't you give in for this one time? The worst case scenario is that you deny her arguement by saying that you were actually the one compromising. This is probably the time for a wake-up call, when you realise that actually all these while, the both of you have been thinking that the opposite party was actually benefitting from your compromise, but in actual fact, they weren't.

-Complements from the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey.