Emotional Bank Account

ONe of the very good analogy which i came across of trust is none other than Stephen R. Covey's Emotional Bank Account.

In short, you make deposits into the account with another party through kindness, loyalty, help and the keeping of promise. Conversely, you make withdrawals from it if you break promises, exhibit rude behaviours or come into conflict with another party. The amount of deposits and withdrawls vary from party to party.

Let me share with you a little about my persoanl emotional bank account with my best friend and also another with another an acquaintance of mine.


Let me start with the one with my best friend. He is none other than Justin. We have been friends for around 8 years now, since Secondary One. He is truly one friend that I treasure alot because of all the commitments and sacrifices he made for this friendship. One many occasions, whenever I need to get some Information Technology tips, he never fails to step forward to lend me a helping hand no matter how busy he was. Also, on many occasions, he will accompany me at the bus-stop until my bus was here before he made a move. In addition, he has always been sharing with me some of his deepest concerns in life, for instance about love,family and friendship. We share with each other our respective foibles and strengths & weaknesses from time to time. This has truly helped strengthened our friendship. All of the above mentioned have made deposits of various degrees into the emotional bank account. They might seem trivial but it is the minutia in life that makes it extraordinary. The fanatical consistency at which he keeps the above mentioned actions going is unbelievable.

Nonetheless, there is of course some withdrawls made during the course of this friendship. For instance, we do revile each other at times over certain perplexing work issues. At times, whhen we are organising an outing, we seldom search for a third alternative, instead, we argue and both of us may refuse to compromise. Sometimes our conflicts were exacerbated by our bad moods, our friends' comments and other external influences.

But, all in all, these withdrawals were of a very low frequency as compared to the deposits. In retrospect, our friendship has come a long way and layers of trust have already piled upon one another. It is very concrete. Nonetheless, I will not deny that the amount of withdrawal made during a conflict has always exceeded the amount of deposit made as a commitment is executed. However, as compared to the accumulated amount of deposits made due to its fanatical consistency, the total amount of withdrawals were diminutive.

Let me now share with you another experience of mine with an acquaintance. Starting with the deposits, he has managed to understand the need to apologise whenever he has committed the mistake. In addition, he tries to ignite a spark in our conversation by talking about issues pertaining to my interests.

Such small little actions are indeed deeply appreciated.

Here comes the withdrawal part. The number of apologies made surmounted to more than a few hundred times(yes that many). By chronically making apologies, it makes me suspicious of the genuity of each one. It makes me wary of his frivolous conduct after a while. Just when I thought he realised his mistakes when he made an apology, he repeats the same mistake again within the next few weeks. Furthermore, he seemed impervious to reasoning, whenever I tried to help him with it. Just when I wanted to give up on this friendship, he will come along, trying to pacify me by apologising once again. Initially, I capitlated. Howeverm over a period of time, I found it strenuous to maintain the friendship as he is too embedded iin the idea that apologizing is a panacea. Hence, I confronted him and I tol him that our friendship could not be perennial and that it is time to put an end to it.
-http://graphicleftovers.com/images/member/1382/roots.jpg

I am sure that many of you can relate to experiences like those mentioned above. This is not to say that you should give up a relationship or friendship when the total amount of withdrawals exceed the total amount of deposits. Deficits can actually be recuperated if both parties are willing to understand the problems and talk about the possible 3rd alternative. No doubt it is going to be an onerous process, it is definitely worthwhile & synergistic if a great solution is brought about. Therefore, try to understand their paradigm from teh start before any misunderstanding sets in. Attack the roots(the cause of the problem and their concerns), not the leaves(the problems).